


First And Last

by mansikka



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Confessions, Fluff, Insecurity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2017-10-09
Packaged: 2019-01-10 04:23:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12291180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: Magnus worries about how many times Alec's been the one to say I love you first





	First And Last

**Author's Note:**

> Hello :)
> 
> I saw a post (or seven) about Alec always being the one to say I love you first... I like to think Magnus gets his own fair share of I love yous in and that we're just not there to see it ;) but this is (sort of) the result of those posts... (and yes... of course Alec has his own securities, of course he does... but I'm saving that for another fic ;) )
> 
> :)
> 
> x

“Magnus. I love you,”

Words Magnus has spent a lifetime not hearing, honesty he’s rarely seen dancing in another person’s eyes. Not aimed at him, anyway. He’s never been loved by someone like this before, so raw, and open, and by someone who is unafraid to bear their heart.

Alec loves him, and Magnus’ soul is singing for it, the desperate hug they fall into an exercise in keeping them both upright. And in the aftermath of the Soul Sword and Valentine at the Institute, it’s what they both need, what they both have to have, just so they can keep breathing. It’s followed up by a portal back to the apartment where that love is reaffirmed between soft sheets, so neither of them are left in any doubt of the truth or depth of it.

And in the weeks that follow, those beautiful words tumble from Alec’s lips again and again. There’s _I love you_ s in the early morning when Alec has to return to the Institute and doesn’t want to disturb Magnus’ sleep. There’s _I love you_ s tersely muttered into calls—terse not because they’re angry at each other, but to voice Alec’s frustration at them being apart. There’s _I love you_ s with sweet kisses and soft rolls of hips, with snagged together fingers on walks and beneath the tables of restaurants. There’s _I love yous_ in messages announcing their presence repeatedly on Magnus’ phone, scribbled on notes waiting for him in Alec's absence when he’s returned to an empty apartment, and pressed into his skin every moment they are alone.

There’s _I love you_ s everywhere, and Magnus, if honest, at times is a little overwhelmed by it all. By the easy, effortless way Alec really does love him, and how safe it feels for Magnus to say the same things back, knowing he’ll receive nothing but happiness and grateful smiles—and even more love.  

Not that he doesn’t want to hear constantly just how very much he is loved, of course. It’s just that sometimes—  

“I love you,” Alec whispers into his ear, breaking Magnus from his musings as he comes to stand behind him on their balcony, wrapping him up in his arms.

* * *

More weeks follow, and Magnus continues to monitor those _I love you_ s, every one of them cherished, and taking an ounce of weight from his heart. In fact, all Alec’s _I love you_ s should make Magnus so light with how constantly he’s saying them, that by now, Magnus thinks, he really should be floating.  

But there’s a lead-like feeling pressing hard on his stomach, an ache that is dragging him down, and Magnus doesn’t even really have a reason for it. Doesn’t know the true source of it, or how to get rid of it, or even why he’s giving it so much attention.

He continues to monitor those _I love you_ s in silence, smiling for every one of them received, then sighing up into the darkness of his room with Alec pillowed against his chest, unable to sleep himself.

* * *

It comes to him in the aftermath of a near-miss kind of mission. Alec is shirtless, perched on the very edge of the couch as he waves his stele over his wounds and winces through the healing of every one. He nods, visibly sagging with relief every time he catches Magnus’ eyes, and even more when Magnus comes to kneel before him, raising his hands up to heal him with magic of his own.

“I love you,” Alec sighs, nudging Magnus back and dropping to his knees in front of him, holding on to Magnus tight as his head topples forward into the crook of his neck. And it stirs something in Magnus, a lightning bolt that stiffens his spine, jolts him hard enough for Alec to pull back from him in surprise.

“Magnus? Are you okay?”

“Why do you always do that?” Magnus demands, raising his hand to cup Alec’s cheek and staring him down, as though the answer to his question might be written there right in those beautiful, hazel eyes.

Alec shakes his head just a fraction, the look he’s giving him saying he has no idea what he means. Magnus doesn’t really know himself, if he’s honest, it’s just everything is crystal clear in front of him at the same time as being smeared with dirt, and he doesn’t know what to do about it.

“ _That_ ,” Magnus insists, shuffling a tiny bit closer and curling his other hand around the back of Alec’s neck, stealing a kiss that he intended to be quick, but once he’s got Alec’s lips on his isn’t able to stop.

“What’s _that_?” Alec asks, a curious smile curving up his now kiss-bruised lips, and his hands bunched up in the back of Magnus’ shirt.

“ _That_ ,” Magnus repeats, “the _I love you_ thing. You… tell me that all the time,”

Understandably, Alec looks confused, even a little apprehensive, and his mouth hangs open for a few seconds before he can apparently form words.

“But I _do_ love you,” he says back, sounding just as uncertain as he’s looking, which makes Magnus feel even more ridiculous, and along with that, guilty as hell.

“I know you do,” Magnus agrees, kissing him in what he hopes is reassurance, “I love you too,”

“I know,” Alec says, smiling back at him with his eyes narrowing a touch in confusion, though still probably the most beautiful thing Magnus has ever seen.

“But you were injured. _Wounded_ : I could have _lost_ you,” Magnus insists, knowing he’s not making any sense. Alec crowds a little closer and kisses him hard, sighing his way into it as though Magnus is part of what is putting him back together.

“But you didn’t,” Alec tells him quietly, shaking his head a fraction when he pulls back, fingers out to push Magnus’ hair back from his forehead.

“But I could have,” Magnus tells him, “I should’ve said it first,” and his voice cracks a little, and since he’s so lost for what he wants to say, or even what he’s meaning, he wraps his arms a little tighter around Alec and holds on, hoping the words will come.

“Magnus,” Alec whispers, kissing it into his neck and gathering him a little closer, “what’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Magnus denies, shaking his head against him then pulling back, tangling their fingers together as he does.

“Magnus—”

“It’s just…” and Magnus stumbles again, unsure of how he’s going to get out this odd thing he’s feeling. The look on Alec’s face is patient, though softly demanding, and Magnus knows he’s going to have to get these words out. “You got injured here. _You_ ,”

“Well, yeah,” Alec agrees, glancing down at himself for a second before back up again at Magnus’ face, “it’s… sort of what we do—”

“But you’re Head of the Institute,” Magnus says, shaking his head.

“Magnus,” Alec smiles, shaking his head, “that doesn’t mean I’m gonna tie myself to a desk,”

“No, I know,” Magnus agrees, though he sometimes wishes he _could_ keep him in his office. Anywhere really, anywhere that’s safe.  

“Then—”

“Why do you always tell me you love me first?”

It sounds as stupid as it feels coming out of his mouth, and Alec looks a little startled as though he’s no idea how he’s supposed to respond.

“I…” he tries, but then just shakes his head, clueless.

“You do,” Magnus insists, and it is true, he’s sure of it. He’s been studying all the _I love you_ s between them so thoroughly, that he could probably give an actual number of how many there’s been. “You always say it first,”

Great, Magnus curses to himself, now he sounds like an ungrateful, petulant child.

“Does… does it matter who says it first?” Alec asks, his lips forming a curious, bemused smile, and his eyes darting repeatedly over Magnus’ face as though trying to figure him out. And of course the answer to that should be _no, of course not_. But Alec tells him he loves him first all the time, and something isn’t sitting right for Magnus only being able to answer with an _I love you too_ , instead of saying the thing that needs to be answered.

He’s making no sense, Magnus sighs, not even to himself.

“The thing is,” Magnus says, sighing a little and squeezing Alec’s fingers, “when we… when you and I first… became _us_ —”

Alec smiles at him then with a look that’s amused, that says he’s desperate to laugh at Magnus’ stumbling over his words even though he knows now isn’t the time.

“—when we… were first together, and even a little before then; I assumed that I would... I would need to take the lead on... so many things between us,”

“You, and your 17000 memories,” Alec teases, and Magnus’ heart flips, he swears it does. Alec is so unjudging about his past, about any of it, and even if Magnus isn’t ashamed of all he’s done, of all the people comprising those memories, he could understand it being daunting to Alec, who’s never before him had a relationship at all.

But Alec takes it all in his stride, shows only the barest flare of occasional jealousy, and even then it’s underwritten with concern about how Magnus might be feeling about certain events in his life after all this time.

He’s too good for him, Magnus sighs to himself, tortured with guilt, this Shadowhunter kneeled so willingly before him is far too good for the likes of him.

Not that he has any intention of giving him up, of course, Magnus immediately amends, his heart then aching for even the thought of being without Alec.  

“I just thought… I thought that maybe—”

“Magnus,” Alec says, his tone dripping with amusement as he leans in and kisses him in that slow, sensual way he does that Magnus melts into and forgets himself over every time. Every nudge of his upper lip against Magnus’ to open his mouth, every sure, certain flick of his tongue against Magnus’ own, every hum that rumbles through Magnus, deep to his core; it’s like Alec was _made_ to kiss him—and if that isn’t the most selfish thought he thinks he’s ever had, Magnus thinks to himself as he molds against him.

He’s selfish about Alec, about every aspect of him, and is unashamed of that.  

“Magnus,” Alec whispers, dropping their foreheads together and sighing, “what’s going on?”

“Nothing is going on,” Magnus denies, shaking his head just a fraction, though not enough to pull back.

“Then—”

“I thought I’d be first,”  

Magnus freezes the seconds the words blurt from his mouth, holding steady as Alec pulls back from him and looks even more confused.

“First?”

“I thought… I _assumed_ ,” Magnus amends, so full of doubt for so many things in that moment that he’s not sure which one to even start with, “I thought… since I was the one to… to pursue _you_ —”

“Pursue me?” Alec repeats, his voice a little higher with incredulous laughter, and Magnus feels like every kind of fool. He sits back a little, his cheeks flushing, unable to lift his head up, and wants to curl in on himself in remorse.

Alec is having none of it. He leans forward, pressing a kiss to his cheek then nuzzling there, gently using a thumb and finger under his chin to raise his head. And when he does, Magnus sees the most beautiful, loving smile waiting for him. He sighs without thinking, and Alec is brushing their lips together before stealing a soft kiss.

“Come sit with me,” Alec says, tangling their hands together and effortlessly pulling Magnus to his feet, guiding him to the couch and sitting down beside him, turned to give him his full attention, still holding on to his hand. “Tell me,”

It takes Magnus a few seconds to get his thoughts in order, and when he tries to look away Alec tries to encourage him to keep looking, but when he can’t just presses a kiss to his temple and sits back and waits.

“I thought… I assumed that… I had so many expectations of what I thought I would—you would need me to do in the beginning—and now,”

“I need _you_ ,” Alec points, soft and simple as anything, no hesitation or second-guessing of his reaction. It makes Magnus’ heart sing and sink all at once.

“I need you too,” Magnus tells him, and there he goes again; never finding the right words or gestures first. Anyone would think it was _Alec_ who had lived an eternity, not the other way around.

“Magnus—”

“I just thought there would be… so many things that I would be… that I would be the first to… to be the one to encourage you, or do for you, or... something,” Magnus says, and is hit with the reminder that he's making no sense at all. He might have been all flirtation and blatant want in the beginning, but it was Alec who kissed him first. Alec who arrived in his apartment and wrapped him up in his arms after Magnus had spent an entire day planning how to initiate a hug. Alec who had been the one to prompt the first time they had slept together—and okay, Magnus amends to himself with a slight wriggle for remembering it; he’d definitely had to lead the way on a lot of _that_. But Alec had been so keen, not fazed by anything, willing to take all Magnus was giving him, and offer even more of himself besides.

And Alec, Magnus thinks, swallowing with difficulty, he’s been so much the driving force in so much of their relationship, for so many things. Magnus might bring exotic dates and an apartment for them to spend so much of their time in, but at times it feels like Alec’s the one giving anything of substance. The gifts, the sweet kisses, the unashamed confessions of affection that fall so easily from his mouth; all of these things are just so natural to Alec that Magnus is left in awe, and certain that he’s fumbling at every step.

He didn’t even get to tell him he loved him first, Magnus thinks to himself then, chiding himself for even feeling the sorrow he does about that.

For all of his experience, it’s Alec’s _innocence_ that’s lead so much between them, because he’s never been afraid of the consequences of his words or actions. He’s just _himself_ ; Magnus knows it’s been centuries since he’s allowed himself to be that—if he ever has.

Magnus forces himself to look at Alec then, sees him patiently waiting for him to work through all he’s thinking, a warm press against his side asking for nothing but him to find what he needs to say, and let it out.

“I just… I need you to know this isn’t one-sided. I need you to understand that I love you, so much, and I… I don’t—”

“Magnus,” Alec says, leaning forward and cupping his face in his hands, gentle as though Magnus is something precious to him, and a smile that wraps itself around Magnus' heart, “you _have_ been first for me, for so many things,”

Magnus has to nod at that, because of course, in many ways he _has_ been; first relationship, first kiss, first to do all the things he does with Alec in the privacy of their bedroom—and out here in every corner of the loft, of course, Magnus immediately amends to himself at the onslaught of images of so many of those times.

“You were the first person to ever look at me,” Alec tells him, and immediately Magnus dismisses the idea with a snort. That no one else has ever _noticed_ Alec is unimaginable; he’s _beautiful_ —it’s impossible for people not to have had their gaze ensnared by _that_.

“Okay,” Alec amends, smiling as though he knows what Magnus is thinking—and Magnus is sure he does, for the way a blush hits his cheeks, “you were the first person to look at me, and _see_ me,”

That, perhaps is true, Magnus allows, though it’s still beyond belief.

“You were the first to be interested in getting to know me—me, as I am; not the eldest Lightwood, or whatever reputation I’ve got, but just as _me_ ,”

“You are more than that,” Magnus insists, because he is, Alec is fascinating to him. Every day he seems to reveal another part of himself that makes Magnus feel there will never be a time when Alec doesn’t surprise him in some way.

“You're the first one to think that,” Alec shrugs, “normally people see whatever they wanna see with me. The way I am when I’m working, the—all that stuff. You see _me_. You look at _me_ : not at that reputation, or the... image Izzy tells me I’ve got,”

Magnus shrugs, because it’s true, and he doesn’t know how to put into words why he feels like the world is losing out for _not_ seeing all of that.

“You are the first person I’ve ever fallen asleep with,” Alec tells him, leaning in for another kiss. “Even when we were kids, when Izzy’d… when we’d stay up late and… build pillow forts and… read and stuff together; even then, I couldn’t stand to fall asleep in the same bed,”

Magnus’ mind is filled with sweet images of the Lightwood siblings together as children, and he makes himself a mental note to try and find some photographs to appease his curious mind.

“But with you—I know it’s completely different, ‘cos Izzy’s my sister, and you’re… well… you’re _mine_ ,” Alec says, making Magnus’ heart flutter all over again for the easy way he says these things, “but I never… I was never comfortable falling asleep next to someone until you. And now I… now, I can’t sleep without you,”

It’s true, Magnus thinks; on the few occasions Alec’s been away from home, he’s always found a way to send Magnus messages telling him how much he’s missing him, how he can’t sleep for not having him there by his side.  

Magnus can’t sleep without him either, he huffs to himself then, squeezing Alec’s hand and half-wanting to drag him to their bed now, forget about this conversation that he feels foolish for starting, to wrap himself up in Alec’s arms and ignore all of his self-doubts.

“You’re the first person I know I can tell anything, about anything, and know you’ll listen without judging me for it,” Alec adds, and Magnus wants to protest that he’s sure Alec’s siblings are just as willing listeners, but there’s a look on Alec’s face that speaks of unbreakable trust and comfort with him, and there is no way for him to talk his way out of that.

“You’re the first person who ever thought I was _worth_ something aside from serving the Clave,” Alec says then, and Magnus aches for hearing it. It’s true in far too many ways for him to ignore, and so he crowds a little closer and kisses Alec until he’s smiling at him ruefully and dropping his head down into his neck.  

“You’re the first person I’ve wanted to be myself with,” Alec whispers, pressing it into his ear as he leans back up, curling his fingers around the back of Magnus’ neck and smiling the entire time. “You’re the first I _can_ be myself with. I can drink, dance, laugh at things I think are funny even if no one else does—and I can just… I can do all that with you. It’s… it’s not like that with anyone else,”

“I love you,” Magnus replies, and Alec’s mouth curves up in a smile.

“I know you do,” he agrees, “and you’re the first person who’s ever loved me like that—like you _do_. Like… without _having_ to, you know? Like… you’re not… you don’t have to, ‘cos we’re family, or anything, but you just _do_ ,”

Magnus smiles, not trusting himself to say a word for the lump that’s forming in his throat.

“You’re the first person who’s ever, ever made me stutter,” Alec laughs, groaning to himself and leaving Magnus wondering which memory is teasing him. “You’re the first that's literally made my throat dry out, or my stomach give this weird little drop when you’re around. You’re the first person in my whole life I’ve fantasized about kissing so hard I’ve had to walk away from, just ‘cos I didn’t trust myself to be in the same room and not,”

Magnus laughs in answer, but it’s a soft, broken thing.  

“You’re the first person I think about, every single morning, even if I’m laying right next to you or not,” Alec tells him, pressing a kiss into his temple as though he can sense Magnus is struggling. “You’re the first one I think of when there’s an alert at the Institute and I just wanna _get_ to you, make sure you’re okay, not caught up in whatever’s going on,”

Magnus squeezes his hand, knows he’s just a few seconds from crying, and wants to berate himself for it.

“You’re the first person who’s ever—ever, got excited seeing me wearing a thigh-holster,” Alec says then, and Magnus knows it’s deliberate, and teasing to lift his mood, and it does just that—as well as put some delicious memories more vivid in his mind.

“The first that ever made me realize that there is _more_ to life than just working, and duty. Serving,” Alec says with a self-deprecating laugh to himself. “You make me want to do things just ‘cos I feel like doing ‘em, not ‘cos I have to, or am expected to; I’ve _never_ been like that before,”  

Magnus doesn’t know what to say, so just squeezes a hand over his thigh.

“You’re the first person I ever wanted to touch so badly, that the first time you held my hand, I spent the entire night after stuck at the Institute not able to _think_ for remembering the way your skin felt on mine,”

Alec raises Magnus’ hand then, holds eye contact as he kisses over his knuckles before lowering it back to rest on his lap.  

“You’re the first person I’ve really, really wanted to hug, like, all the time. Like… sometimes it’s like if I don’t get my arms around you? Feels like I might go crazy, or something,”

Magnus knows that feeling particularly well; it’s like he’s shaking apart if Alec’s gone from him too long.

“Magnus, you’re the first I… you’re the first—the _only_ person, I ever want to think of a future with. I… I know we’ve got some stuff to work out about that,” he adds, and if ever there’s anyone who can simplify the talk that’s coming for them at some point about if that future together is going to be mortal or immortal into such easy, honest words, then it’s Alec. Though Magnus has already got images forming in his head of wedding rings, honeymoons, and a home filled with the laughter of children at some point. Alec is the first who has ever given Magnus the idea that those things are a possibility for him.

He has to hold him, Magnus thinks then, surging forward to wrap his arms around Alec, he has to, doesn’t trust himself not to tremble into pieces if he doesn’t. And this way, if those tears come tumbling down his cheeks before he can stop them, then he can hide them in Alec’s shirt as he holds him, runs soothing hands over his back.

“And Magnus,” Alec says, soft and pressed into the back of his head, “it’s selfish, but… I wanna… I wanna be your _last_ ,”

Magnus shakes his head slightly to show he doesn’t know what he’s meaning, and receives a kiss pressed into his hair.

“I wanna… I wanna be _yours_ , Magnus. Only yours. And I know I already _am_ , but… I want… I don’t wanna just be a memory for you. I wanna be the _last_ memory. The… last person you kiss for the first time, the last person you fall in love with, the—the last person to know how you feel inside,”

Magnus sucks in a sob-filled breath and presses ever closer, because the sincerity of Alec’s words is exposing him, shattering down all the walls of self-preservation he’s built up over the years, and leaving him raw.

“I wanna be the last—maybe even the first person _you_ can be completely yourself with. Without all that show you put on, and that mask you hide behind,” Alec whispers, gently gripping just beneath his chin so Magnus has to look at him, then ducking to kiss over his eyes before thumbing away his tears. “I wanna be… I wanna be _yours_ , Magnus,”

“You _are_ mine,” Magnus tells him, his words coming out cracked as he clings on to his arms, needing the constant contact.

“I wanna be the last person to be _yours_ ,” Alec tells him, and oh, if Alec could know just how lonely he’d been before he’d come along, Magnus thinks to himself, remembering so many people who had been with him but never really _been_ with him. How painful it was to always be the one left behind, because the thought of being left was too much for people. Or being something picked up and discarded on a whim, he adds to himself, thinking of Camille and the dances she had led him on. An amusement, an exotic plaything; something with which to pass the time. These are the things Magnus is used to being to people, not the loves of their lives, like Alec is suggesting he might be.

“I love you,” Alec tells him, staring him down so that he knows it, can feel the strength of what he’s saying and know that it is true, “and I’m gonna keep loving you, and telling you I love you, and showing you that I do, for as long as you let me,”

“How does forever sound?” Magnus chokes back at him, and is rewarded with a smile.

“Maybe just about long enough,” Alec shrugs as though he’s considering the idea, then wraps Magnus up in his arms and kisses him until his tears have dried, and his heart has settled, and that heaviness pressing on his stomach has lifted, replaced with warmth.

“I love you,” he whispers into Alec’s ear as they press in even closer together, and Alec just hums against him, sighing as he holds him tighter, pressing repeated kisses anywhere he can get.

 


End file.
